There’s a story behind why I’m terrified of them. Blame one of my cousins. He had tarantulas. Have you ever seen them in person? Hairy, ugly, big, and ewwww. I didn’t want to touch one. I didn’t even want to be in the same room with them. He had a few of them. So we were visiting and you have to sleep sometime, right? I fall asleep, my world is right, and then I wake up to my cousin smiling at me. Ah…how sweet. He’s happy I’m there. NOT! His gaze lowers to my stomach and I feel this slight weight there. Then something moves on my shirt over my chest. I look down. Yeah. He’s put two of them on me. He tells me very softly…”Don’t move. You know they are poisonous, right? If you scare or startle them it’s a horrible way to die.” First off, boys are MEAN to girls. Second off, it turns out he thinks this is a RIOT. Talk about the longest minutes of my life. I’m barely breathing, begging him in terrified whispers to take them off me and then my aunt walks in. She smacks him in the back of the head, picks them up to put them back inside their cage, and tells me they are harmless. Yeah. I wonder if I gave him a phobia about toothpaste up his nose when he woke up that way the next morning. You guessed it. I don’t talk to that cousin as an adult.
I am afraid of ventriloquist dolls. There’s another story. When I was a kid I thought they were cool (Okay, I was a GEEK but give me a break – I was a kid). I got a Charlie McCarthy doll. I loved him with his suit and little eyeglass. I could throw my voice even. I was proud and (a kid remember – not pathetic) thought it was a neat trick. Of course I have family. You know how they are. Someone had to show me that movie Magic. For those of you in the younger generation = scary movie about a killer doll. Yeah. Now I had my own expensive source of trauma sitting in the corner of my bedroom. He watched me with his beady little eyes. I knew when I turned off my light he was going to grab up my Ken doll to beat me with it or something. Death by Ken doll. NOT pretty! I would lock my CM doll in the closet. I’d put crap in front of it so I knew he couldn’t escape. I told my mom I didn’t want him anymore. GASP! Hey, those things weren’t cheap so yeah…I was STUCK with that damn doll. Every time I walked into my room I’d KNOW he was there lurking inside the closet just waiting to sneak up on me to beam me with a toy. I’d have to check to make sure he hadn’t escaped to hide under my bed. I have an imagination (Author with overactive imagination – you know it) so I’d think up what he could have gotten his evil little doll hands on while I was at school if he’d escaped. Knives, the baseball bat, whatever – and then I’d make sure he was still locked up without weapons stashed – EVERY NIGHT. Finally that doll was given to some other poor sucker, I mean, one of my cousins (not spider one but I would have loved to dump CM on him), but the fear stuck. (Amazing I don’t write horror novels, huh???)
(See a resemblence going on here? Yeah!)
Mr. Laurann rented a movie a few years ago. He used to go and get them. Sometimes he’d call to ask – other times not so much. Guess what he brought home? Yeah. A movie about dolls. Dead Silence is the name of it and you guessed it by seeing the pic of the movie. He looks eerily similar to my CM doll. I of course shook my head NO. I wasn’t going to watch it. No way, no how. If you know me at all, Mr. Laurann could talk me into walking over a bed of fire. I love him that much and he knows how to totally make me do stuff because he’s got husband ninja skills that way. I ended up sitting on the couch (He HAD to turn off the lights BTW) watching it with him. I hope I left bruises when I ended up on top of him, behind him, clutching him, my face buried against him during the worst parts, and I’m STILL traumatized. I had nightmares for weeks. I break out in chills just thinking about that movie to this day. There isn’t enough money to get me to see it again. Mr. Lauran loves to threaten to buy it. Yeah. That’s the day I load up on movies that will make him cringe. I know what his fears are and I’m not afraid to get even if I have to. Checkmate!
I’m terrified of big lizards. Yeah, you know there’s another story. My friend’s brother had a monitor lizard. It’s big. The monitor lizard wasn’t friendly. It hissed at me, bit him hard enough to take a chunk out of skin when he took it out of the cage to show me his ‘baby’, and I think that damn body wash fooled him too because he seemed to think I must be food. (Insert mental image here of me running for my life with a 8 pound lizard chasing me, hissing, and damn… do they move FAST). I made it to the bathroom, slammed the door shut, and that thing hit the door with a thump. I was hoping the impact had knocked it out. Then I hear this hiss and nails on wood and it’s full on attacking the door. I put my back against it and locked it because the door was shaking. (So was I). It took my friend’s brother about five minutes to lure it away (he wasn’t going to pick it up – he’s still bleeding and making sure his finger is intact). He calls out he’s leading it back to its cage. I breathe out in relief and unlock the door, crack it open, and all the sudden I see that thing whip around and here it comes again running full speed at me again. I slam the door and BOOM when it hit. Yeah. I was locked inside that bathroom for an hour before it was safe to come out. It didn’t want to leave. It wanted to bite into me bad enough it refused to budge from trying to claw through the door. NOT a lizard fan after that.
Okay – try not to laugh – or go ahead. I can’t hear you so my feelings won’t get hurt. I’m afraid of toddlers. Yes, I said it. It’s the beginning stage where little adorable people are starting to walk and explore their little worlds. I have four kids and they instilled that fear with the help of others. My first brush with the terrifying toddler came when my oldest daughter was learning to walk. So exciting! (They lure you into a false sense of euphoria and cuteness) and she stumbled over to me where I sat on the couch. She leaned against one of my legs (summer – was in shorts) and bent over. I thought she was going for a toy on the carpet. Nope. She sank like all three of her teeth into my knee. (I mentioned I must have good blood or my body wash must make me seem like food, right?) OMG. It HURT. I checked for blood and yeah, she broke the skin. She laughed when I cried out. It was funny to her! She tried to do it again! They play with toys and suddenly think it’s important to learn the reaction of them nailing you in the face with it as hard as they can. You never see it coming until POW! Pain and sometimes bleeding result from that toy car slamming into your face. (Been there, had it done to me…A LOT). Or they learn to throw things and yeah…you suddenly look like a target to them... and most of them have surprisingly good eye/hand coordination. That’s why so many parents think little Jr. will grow up to be a pitcher on their favorite baseball teams. I have this blonde, wild hair that is naturally curly. I understand why kids may be fascinated with it (adults have been too). It’s kind of frizzy and yeah, not typical for most blondes. The thing is, I’ve yet to hold a toddler who doesn’t try to keep a fistful of it. I watch toddlers now as if they are wild creatures who are really cute…but you don’t turn your back on them. You don’t let your guard down. They can bite, hit, or try to remove stuff that’s a part of you at any given second. They will go for hair, your eyes, or try to rip off your fingernails. They also wonder if your nose really will come off. BTW - STOP playing “I have your nose” with kids…it teaches them BAD things! Those smiles can lure you into a false sense of ‘Awe…I’m so cute I’d never do anything bad like make you bleed just because making you scream is funny to me’ but beware! Toddlers are scary too. I’m just willing to admit my fear. LOL!
I hope everyone is having a great weekend! I should have Stealing Coal news soon (release date).